LITTLE EDDIE'S QUEST FOR SAGE
By
Edward Stasheff
Once upon a time, in the
"I'm going to find some Wild Sage, Papa!"
Little Eddie said.
"That's nice, son," Papa
said. "Where's my coffee cup?"
"But where can we find the
Sagebush, Papa?" Little Eddie said.
"There are none in town!"
"Hmm? Oh, I guess you'll have to go out into the
desert, then," Papa said. "Ah,
here's my coffee cup!" he said, picking up a bowl of soup.
"But all the desert belongs to
farmers and ranchers, Papa!" Little Eddie said. "There are fences of rusty wire keeping
us out! Where can we find Sagebrush,
then?"
"Well, I suppose you could try
the Oasis, son," Papa said.
"That's public land."
"Oasis?" Little Eddie
said, eyes growing wide. "What's an
Oasis, Papa?"
"An Oasis is a magic place in
the
"WOW!!" Little Eddie said,
trying for three exclamation points but only managing two. "I want to see the Oasis and find the
Sagebrush, Papa!" Little Eddie said.
"When can we go?"
"We??" Papa said,
befuddled. "But… Nova is on
PBS in ten minutes!"
Many tears, tantrums, and pleas for
mercy later, Little Eddie and Papa went riding toward the Oasis. They turned off an ancient and honored
highway from time immemorial called Route 66, and onto a lonely desert road
that led to the mystical Oasis.
Suddenly, Papa stopped.
"Why did we stop, Papa?"
Little Eddie asked.
“TumbleMonsters!" Papa
said. "They're blocking the
road!"
TumbleMonsters are big round
creatures with hundreds of sharp claws all over them, that bounce along the
desert floor kicking up dust and really annoying the farmers. Fortunately, they are very stupid monsters,
and easier get stuck in ditches beside the roads and can't get out.
But this year, the TumbleMonsters
had bred like the Jackelopes. There were
so many TumbleMonsters stuck in the ditch that they were stacked on top of each
other and overflowing back onto the road, barring the was to the Oasis.
"What shall we do, Papa?"
Little Eddie asked.
"Quick! Quick!
Jump out and take a picture of them!" Papa said. "That'll surprise them!"
So Little Eddie jumped out and took
a picture of the TumbleMonsters.
They were so surprised by the flashing light, they
didn’t know what to make of it. While
there were arguing over what to do (and waiting for a breeze to send them
bouncing), Little Eddie and Papa rode past them and continued on their way to
the Oasis.
Having tricked their way past the TumbleMonsters,
Papa and Little Eddie continued their way to the mystical Oasis. Suddenly, Papa slowed and stopped. Before them, on either side of the road,
stood two giants. They were covered in
shaggy brown fur, and each had several heads with long green hair. They waved
their arms in the air above their heads, warning off Papa and Little Eddie.
"Papa! Papa!" Little Eddie cried. "What
are they!?"
"Those are the Yucca Men,"
Papa said. "They guard the path to
the Oasis, and make sure no one steals their rocks." Then Papa leaned close to Little Eddie and
spoke softly, so that the Yucca Men couldn't hear. "The locals say they're trees, but I
don't think they're trees. Do they look
like trees to you, Little Eddie?"
"No, Papa!" said Little
Eddie. "They look like haystacks on
a bad hair day! What should we do,
Papa?"
"Quick! Quick!" Papa said. "Jump out and take a picture of both of
them! Then they'll argue over who's
prettier, and we can slip by!"
So Little Eddie jumped out and took
a picture of each Yucca Man.
Sure enough, they began waving their
arms at each other and arguing over who was prettier. Each Yucca Man insisted that the other one
was prettier, and that he was the ugliest of them all. With a name like Yucca, after all, they had a
reputation to live up to.
But before the headlocks and
hair-pulling could start, Papa and Little Eddie slipped by. They rode down the dirt path to the Oasis and
jumped out.
Little Eddie couldn't wait to see
the pool of clear water, but instead the first thing he saw was a huge sign
warning them "DO NOT REMOVE ROCKS".
"Don't remove the
rocks?" Little Eddie said,
puzzled. "Why would anyone want to
take the rocks, Papa?"
"Because they are
God-Rocks," Papa said wisely.
"But what are God-Rocks,
Papa?" Little Eddie asked.
"I was hoping you would
ask!" Papa exclaimed. He cleared
his throat, propped his leg up on a bench, and launched into his best
Shakespearean accent.
"Lo, for in the beginning, there was
Darkness. And the Lord said, 'Let there
be light!', and there was light. Then
God did create the heavens and the earth in seven days. But as the seventh day drew to an end, did
God begin to grow sloppy, for he hath not yet invented overtime, and really
needed a bathroom break."
"Thus did it come to pass that
as the Lord Almighty left the Celestial Washroom, the Archangel Gabriel did
come unto him with a box of rocks.
'Hearken unto me, O Mighty God, for we hath one box of stones left over
from creation,' quoth the Archangel Gabriel.
'Wherefore shall I put these rocks, O Lord of Heaven and Earth?' "
"Then did the Lord Almighty
raise his hand unto his brow and cry, 'I hath missed a box of stones! Lo, for I mind me I should not hath given the
Indian Subcontinent unto the Archangel Lucifer to design, for that boy doth
forever cut corners! Oh, wherefore shall
I place these rocks on earth! Oh,
wherefore!'
And all the angels in heaven cried,
'Oh, wherefore!' and there was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of
teeth."
"Then did the Archangel Michael
come unto the Lord Most High, and sayeth unto him, 'Almighty Lord God, Creator
of Heaven and—'"
"'Just calleth me 'Lord',' did
God say unto the Archangel Michael. 'For
my full title doth take too long to say, and the word count do runneth
over.'"
"'As thou doth command, O
Lord,' quoth the Archangel Michael.
'But, Lord, if thou hast extra stones, why, put thou them in
"Then did God's brow furrow,
and he asked of the Archangel Michael, 'Wherefore New
"And the Archangel Michael said
unto the Lord, "Why, for that
"'Perfect!' cried the Lord
Almighty. 'Archangel Gabriel, puteth
thou thy box of rocks in
"And that is why they are called
God-Rocks!" Papa finished with a flourish.
"For God himself put them here in this mystical Oasis in the
Then Papa bowed to no one in
particular, waving to an audience cheering in a standing ovation that existed
only in Papa's head, and stepped down off his stage. Then he kicked Little Eddie in the ribs
several times until he stopped snoring, and they continued on their way.
But Little Eddie was a naughty
little boy, who had slept through Papa's warnings and liked doing things he was
specifically told he couldn't do. So
while Papa was signing imaginary autographs, Little Eddie grabbed a small
God-Rock and shoved it in his pocket.
Then Papa and Little Eddie continued
on their journey to find the mystic Sagebrush, with Papa blowing kisses to
invisible admirers, and Little Eddie looking nervously back at the Yucca Men,
hoping they had been too busy fighting to notice him steal the God-Rock.
Having survived the TumbleMonsters, the Yucca Men,
and Papa’s lecture, Little Eddie had finally made it to the Oasis. Excited, he ran on ahead of Papa into the
great open clearing.
“Yay! The Oasis!
The Oasis!” Little Eddie cried “We made it!” Then he stopped and looked around him,
puzzled. “But… I don’t see any
water! Where’s the pond, Papa?”
“Um…” Papa said from the bank side,
“I think you’re standing in it, son.”
Little Eddie looked about him in
dismay. He was standing in a dusty bowl
of earth. The ground was cracked and as
dry as an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting during Prohibition.
“But where did all the water go,
Papa?!” Little Eddie wailed.
“Well,” Papa shrugged, “the cheese
factory had to get the water in their runoff from somewhere, I suppose.”
“How long has it been like this,
Papa?” Little Eddie asked.
“Well, considering there’s scrub
growing down there,” Papa said, “I’d
guess at least a year.”
Little Eddie looked around him and,
sure enough, there were grasses and weeds growing in the deepest parts of the
lakebed, sucking up the last few drops of water that remained.
Little Eddie was disappointed he
hadn’t gotten to see all that water, but then he remembered that he was out
here to find the mystic Sagebrush, and the pond was just a side attraction.
“I’m going to find the Sagebrush,
Papa!” Little Eddie cried, running out
of the dry lakebed and jumping into the scrub plains.
“That’s nice, son,” Papa said. “Just watch out for the Graspers.”
“But, Papa,” Little Eddie said.
“What are Gra-YEOWCH!!” Little Eddie
looked down to discover he was standing in a swarm of tiny pixies. They had thin, tough brown bodies like tiny
twigs, and had Goat’s Heads. The
Graspers seemed to enjoy nothing more than stabbing Little Eddie with their tiny
knives made of thorns.
But luckily, Little Eddie was
wearing his magic Bouncer Boots given to him by a bald wise man in a land
called
Then Little Eddie found something
strange. It was a long coiled tube that
had been cracked open, with little knobs on one end. It was brownish-white and so thin, he could
almost see through it.
“Papa! Papa!” Little Eddie cried, holding it
up. “What’s this?”
“Um… that’s a RattleSkin, son,” Papa
said. “Please be careful out there and
watch where you step!”
Little Eddie threw the RattleSkin
away at once. He had heard of the
Rattlers, and they were the most feared monsters of all, because they were the
only
Little Eddie searched through all
the scrub in the
“Papa! Papa!” Little Eddie cried. “I found it!
I found the Sagebrush!”
“Yeah, yeah, great. Grab some and go," Papa said. “Can we go home now? I’m missing Frontline.”
So Little Eddie grabbed several
handfuls of Wild Sage and walked out of the scrub plains. Papa and Little Eddie left the Oasis, riding
past the Yucca Men (who were now throwing sand at each other), and past the
TumbleMonsters (who were still arguing about what that bright flash of light
was), turned back onto the ancient and venerable Route 66, and rode home.
Little Eddie came running through
the front door and into the kitchen, with Papa shuffling behind.
"Papa! Papa!" Little Eddie cried, "I'm
going to pick the Sage feathers and grind them up into spice!"
"That's nice," Papa
said. "Have you seen my coffee
cup?" Papa asked as he rummaged through his stack of black plastic
McDonald's coffee stirs he'd been saving since 1972.
Little Eddie plucked the Sage
feathers and crushed them into a bowl.
When he had finally ground them up into a powder, he sniffed his
fingers, savoring the small of fresh Wild Sage.
"PHEEEW!" Little Eddie
exclaimed, wrinkling his nose.
"That stinks!" He
sneezed violently, then wailed loudly.
"That's not Sage!" Little Eddie cried. "That's TURPENTINE WEED!!"
For that was the mystic Sagebrush's
final defense. If the TumbleMonsters,
Yucca Men, Graspers, and RattleMonsters failed to protect it from annoying
Yankee tourists, the mystic Sagebrush had cleverly disguised itself to look
almost exactly like a common stinky weed.
While Wild Sage smelled like Thanksgiving, Turpentine Weed smelled like
paint thinner. The troublesome, naughty
Little Eddie had been fooled.
"I don't understand,
Papa!" Little Eddie whined.
"We went to the Oasis, but there was no water! I found the Sagebrush, but it smells
bad! I don't get it! What went wrong?"
For a moment, the room was
silent. Then Papa said, in a stern
voice, "Little Eddie… did you steal a God-Rock?"
Little Eddie hung his head,
ashamed. "Yes, Papa… I did,"
Little Eddie said, pulling the little God-Rock out of his pocket.
"Well, that's why the
Oasis was dry, and the Wild Sage was Turpentine Weed," Papa said, taking
the God-Rock from him. "Because you
were a naughty little boy who didn’t follow the rules. You realize you'll have to be punished for
this, don't you, Little Eddie?"
"Yes, Papa, I know,"
Little Eddie said, hanging his head.
"I don’t want to punish
you, you know," Papa said.
"This is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you."
"Then can we trade places?" Little Eddie
asked hopefully.
"No, Little Eddie," Papa
said. "I thought I'd taught you
better that this. You know I'd rather be
the guide on the side than the Sage on the stage."
"Uh… what?" Little Eddie
said, suddenly looking up in panic.
"Therefore, you should heed my
Sage advice," Papa said.
"Oh no…." Little Eddie
gasped in fear. "Not the puns! NOT THE PUNS!!"
"After all, you may be young
and cute, but I am older and wiser," Papa said. "Sage before beauty, you know."
"Stop the puns, Papa,
please!" Little Eddie screamed.
"Anything but the puns!"
"You're just lucky you didn't
find the real Sagebrush, Little Eddie," Papa said. "The real one just might have shot you
with a twelve-Sage shotgun!"
"No… please… stop…" Little
Eddie wailed.
"Sorry, Little Eddie,"
Papa said, "but these are the Sages of sin."
"Have… mercy…" Little
Eddie gasped.
"You should follow the rules
from now on," Papa advised.
"And not be naughty.
Remember, in my great book of poetry, on one Sage is says, "Do not
go gently into that good night. Sage,
Sage, against the dying of the light!"
Papa paused to gauge Little Eddie's
reaction, but Little Eddie said nothing.
He was twisting on the ground, writhing in agony.
"Okay, I think you've learned
your lesson now," Papa said.
"You can go to your room and think about what you've done."
Little Eddie made some gurgling
sounds that were vaguely affirmative, then rolled over and headed for his room
just as fast as he could crawl.
"And don't go blasting your
punk band 'Sage Against the Machine' again!" Papa called after him.
There was one more agonized wail,
and then the door to Little Eddie's room slammed shut.
"Well, that should give me some
peace and quiet for a while!" Papa said happily, sitting down in his easy
chair and turning on PBS. "Ah, here's
my coffee cup!"
THE END
Just to Set the Record Straight…
Regarding
"Little Eddie's Quest for Sage", as you can probably tell from the
photographs, this story was based on a real weekend adventure my father and I
undertook down here in
My father is
not really that bumbling and absent minded (although he does frequently
misplace his coffee cup, as my sisters will attest to). He is an old-school Shakespearean ham,
and prone to lectures, but not nearly as bad as I portrayed him to be (besides,
I usually enjoy the lectures). And Dad
is far too pious to make bathroom jokes about God. He does like both PBS and bad puns, though,
and has an impressive amount McDonald's coffee stirs—although he hasn't really
been collecting them since 1972 (2002, maybe, but not 1972).
As
for Little Eddie, he does reflect my own sense surprise, wonder, naivety, and
even occasional stupidity as I explore this new, foreign, semi-alien desert
landscape. I really did go gallivanting
through wild scrublands without stopping to think that there might be
rattlesnakes out there, which was NOT a good idea. I would like to think, however, that I am not
nearly as obnoxious and whiny as Little Eddie.
I
really did steal a tiny rock from the Oasis, just to be ornery. The Wild Sage I picked did turn out to be
Turpentine Weed. The Tumbleweeds, Yucca
trees, and #@$%&! Graspers are all real, although not sentient,
obviously.
And
my father did not really punish me with a barrage of horrible puns. Well... no more than he normally does, at
least.