TRUCK STOP CHEMISTRY
by
Wayne Moore
Copyright 2004
Truck driving is a very rewarding occupation.
While there are some drawbacks, like motorists who apparently got their licenses in Florida, there are certain perks as well.
Like Truck-Stop Coffee.
Truck-Stop coffee is a wonderful thing. It can keep you awake at all hours, even while driving through countryside which consists of nothing but cows and corn. It has even been known to keep Drivers awake while in Kansas!
Its restorative powers are legendary. Just the smell of it can often bring a person out of a coma, and rumor has it that sometimes it can even bring a politician to a state of near-consciousness.
In certain cases, it can be used as a form of sedative. It doesn't exactly calm nervous tension; it just evens things out. When you are edgy, it wires you up so that the nervous tremors sort of merge into one long spasm, and you stop shaking, so the effect is essentially the same.
In a pinch, it can be used as an engine degreaser, though care must be taken on the aluminum parts, because sometimes contact with light metals can cause explosive reactions.
The popularity of Truck-Stop coffee can be attributed to the fact that is not really coffee at all, per se, but a complex chemical mixture, the formula of which is known only to a certain few Truck-Stop chemists who are paid by large trucking companies to develop brews that make their Drivers restless, and eager to get out on the road.
The basic formula is:
· Caffeine (25%)
· Mississippi River mud (10%)
· Liquefied Sam Kinnison albums (7%).
· Water (8%)
· Coffee (5%)
The remaining 45% is the elusive "Ingredient X", which is the shifty, shady character in the chemical world. It has no fixed chemical formula, so cannot technically be banned by the FDA. It is addictive and slightly unstable, and causes some side effects, such as dyspepsia, embarrassing rashes, hair loss, assorted psychoses, genetic drift, and 'that not-so-fresh feeling.'
The major problem with Truck-Stop coffee is that, like most highly addictive chemicals, symptoms of withdrawal can begin shortly after consumption. These symptoms usually include incoherent speech, disorientation, and drowsiness, and may include obnoxious behavior and homicidal tendencies. In fact, diagnosis of withdrawal is often very difficult because the symptoms are so similar to normal behavior for many Drivers. Just to be on the safe side, though, if you see any truck driver exhibiting these symptoms, you should administer coffee immediately.
Most truck drivers survive on a combination of Truck-Stop coffee and Truck-Stop food, which, to the normal digestive system, would be instantly fatal. In fact, you can often tell how long a Driver has been driving by what he orders in the truck stop restaurant.
A new Driver will often order tea (sweet tea, if he is from the South) or soft-drinks (usually called "Pop" in the Midwest) and include something in his order that grew above the ground. If you have visited a truck stop, you may have noticed that there are telephones at all of the tables, and at the counter. These phones are there for calling the emergency personnel when a new Driver tries to eat from the buffet.
More experienced Drivers will order coffee and something that once either moved or grew under the ground. Or both. You never know, with truck-stop food. The most experienced Drivers know not to order anything at all in the restaurant. They just sit at the counter, tell lies, drink coffee, and harass the waitresses.
One day, science may come up with a substitute for Truck-Stop coffee, one that will have all the benefits and none of the drawbacks. Until that day comes, though, we Drivers will remain addicted, slightly unstable, and wide awake.
| show counter |