Your Magic Sword & You

YOUR MAGIC SWORD & YOU

Molly and May

Lesson 1: Naming Your Sword

Lesson 2: Caring For Your Sword

Lesson 3: Magical Properties of Your Sword

Lesson 4: Reading the Fine Print

Lesson 1: Naming Your Sword

It's important to give your sword a name to make it feel special. If it didn't have a name it would get depressed. Yes, your sword has feelings. No, it cannot speak. Only crossbows can. Welcome to the world of magical weapons.

When picking a name, make sure it has a good meaning that you want associated with a highly phallic symbol. For example: Fenarigan may sound like a good name but in Tariq it means "sleeps with sheep". We suggest naming it Bob. You can't go wrong with Bob.

Naming the sword will also make it think it has a specific gender (all magic swords are in fact asexual), so keep that in mind when choosing a name. If you are male and decide to give your sword a female name (or vice versa) it may occasionally get jealous, so watch out for that. If your sword is gay, bisexual, or transgendered then we reiterate our suggestion for naming it Bob. Can't go wrong with Bob.

Lesson 2: Caring For Your Sword

It is important to keep your sword clean and emotionally satisfied. To physically maintain it, follow the guidelines of non-magic swords such as always washing the blood off the blade at the first available opportunity.

But a magic sword needs more then fancy polish and a good scrubbing. It's important to talk to your sword on a regular basis. Even though the sword cannot reply, it will appreciate the gesture on your part and always likes a good conversation. The more you talk to your sword, the more it will enhance the magic qualities and the more likely it will be to find ways of communicating with you. This can be especially important if you are trapped in a wizard's tomb and need to send for help.

Every magical weapon, like all creatures, has a distinct personality. This includes quirks, phobias, and allergies. For example, your sword may prefer to sleep with the light on. It may burst into sudden motion and may even foxtrot or samba if it's in the right mood. Your sword may have or may develop allergic reactions to pets, mold, dust, certain berries, and specific blood types, or it have other physical ailments, such as excessive cholesterol or high blood sugar. It will take time and Trial and Error to discover these various quirks, traits, etc. If Trial and Error are not available then try someone else.

Above all, treat your sword like a devoted friend and faithful companion. Try to think of it as a living creature with needs that are both physical and emotional. After all, that's how your sword thinks of itself.

Lesson 3: Magical Properties of Your Sword

We almost titled this lesson: “Don't Throw Away the Scabbard, You Pea-Brained Idiot,” but the editor thought it wasn't catchy enough. This is probably the lesson you are most interested in, however. If you do not read the first two lessons carefully and build a good relationship with your sword, then the magical properties may not even work. So if you haven't already, please go back and read lessons 1 and 2.

All caught up? Good. Here is a list of the magical properties your sword may contain:

--Exact Aim

--Specific Sharpness

--Virtually Unbreakable

--Personal Attachment

--Flashlight Feature

--Scabbard Spells

Exact Aim: Whatever target you intend to hit - you will hit, provided your opponent does not block the blow. If you throw the sword it will always hit the target (again assuming it is not blocked).

Specific Sharpness: This means that the blade can be as sharp as a fresh razor blade or as dull as a cafeteria knife. You decide when it is sharp and when it is not. Simply tell the sword, as you unsheathe it, which one you want. You can also tell the sword never to be sharp when it touches a certain person (a great feature if you have small kids).

Virtually Unbreakable: Exactly what it sounds like. This sword is forged by magic and can only be destroyed by magic or excessive stupidity. If your sword breaks or the magic properties stop working, please refer to the final lesson for details on the warranty.

Personal Attachment: This sword was made for you and only you. No one else can use it. If they try to, it will disappear and will reappear on your bedside table, wherever that happens to be. If you are not near your bedside table, please do not let someone else try to use it. If you drop it in battle and your enemy grabs it, then you are totally screwed (unless you still have the scabbard - more details below). Also you sword is pre-programmed to like you. Nurture this and your sword will fight harder then you could ever fight alone. If you curse at or make fun of your sword it may dislike or even hate you and will most likely stick in its scabbard.

Flashlight Feature: If you're stuck in the dark with no candles or stuck in an oil drum and don't want to light a candle for obvious reasons (it's happened to both of us many times so don't laugh), then you're in luck! Just say the magic word "gummiglo" and the gemstone on the pommel will light up and shine as brightly as a Halogen Lamp run on AA batteries. The light will last until your sword gets tired or bored. If your sword has a short attention span, you will need to repeat the spell several times.

Scabbard Spells: The scabbard can be very useful. It has light healing abilities and turns the sword into a +3 Avenger when attacking Bogmirmen. Sorry, bogmirpeople. It also has the power of summoning the sword. Just hold it up, say "summon sword," and your sword will appear in the scabbard, regardless of where it was before. See? It pays to keep the scabbard!

The scabbard does not have a separate personality. To your sword the scabbard is its clothing. Without it, your sword feels naked. It is important to note that whenever you use your sword as a weapon (or basic cutlery) that it is performing the task stark naked. Your sword must love you an awful lot to fight naked. So the more you use the sword, the more important it is to make it feel loved. You can show your appreciation for it with such things as a long conversation or an extra coat of polish. If your sword will not budge from its scabbard, then it is either feeling shy or unloved, and you probably haven't hugged it in a while. If your sword shuns the scabbard, then it's either a nudist or an exhibitionist and you should treat it accordingly.

Lesson 4: Reading the Fine Print

This sword comes with a three-hundred-year limited warranty starting from the moment you first pick it up. That's like thirty days for a magic weapon, but considering you'll be dead in three hundred years, then it's a pretty good deal.

Limited warranty covers magical repairs only! If the magic features of the sword stop working, you can return it the Solar Forge in Akaya and they'll fix the problems, provided you still have this booklet as Proof of Purchase, and that you are in fact the fated recipient of said sword. DO NOT REPAIR SWORD IF YOU ARE NOT FATED RECIPIENT! You will not be covered by the warranty and will be subject to fees and flaying of flesh in accordance with the Magic Weapon Security Act of 782. If you think you can fool the forgers, you can't. They're gonna know, man, trust us on this one. They're totally gonna know.

THIS WARRANTY DOES NOT COVER DAMAGE INFLICTED BY A MORTAL or any of the following: merperson, enchanter, sorcerer, wizard, oracle, fairy, shape shifter, giant, ogre, troll, or any magical creatures such as dragons, unicorns, igomenes, or zanichors. If a Jinn damages the sword you can seek repairs and/or restitution from the Bureau for the Mismanagement of Jinn Magic and fill out a twelve hundred-page grievance form in triplicate.

If any of the aforementioned (except Jinn) breaks this sword, it will lose its magical properties and cannot be repaired (see Section 479 of the Magical Enforcement Act of 103 for more details). If you break this sword, then you are a dumbass and didn't deserve to have a magical weapon anyway.

Winners of this and all finely-crafted Magical Weapons from Solar Forge will have their names automatically entered in the End of the World Drawing for Greatest Legendary Hero. Prizes provided by Apocalypse R Us. Fate of the recipient is provided by Belatee's Magical Memory and That Groovin’ Great Force we like to call the Omniscient Dude. Thank you for your Pre-Destined attention and have a nice day.