Ortho the Frank wroteColon Ideally, we'd like to release the ebook in time for Black Friday and the Christmas shopping season, but to meet the deadline WE NEED YOUR HELP!
Very nice. It's great to see what happens with everyone. I just finished reading all the draft chapters. I'll list some typos and comments by chapter if that's okay.
Chap 1. When the actors are hungover as usual they get "aspirin and coffee" in the morning. For some reason this use of aspirin stuck out; in other books, it always seemed to be something a bit more exotic or vague. I don't remember what pain pills Ramou got out of the kiosk in the first book, but for some reason aspirin sounded funny. I was also almost afraid that Grandma Hoorhees' hangover remedy had been forgotten, but it appeared later.
Also in this chapter is going over the history of the first books in the series. I know this is always difficult, but it seemed a bit flat and made the whole first chapter seem a bit flat.
Chap 4. Mr. Morgan says to Merlo, "...when the ship's under weigh?" I think that should probably be "underway"?
Chap 5. There are missing quotation marks in two lines:
1) "The magic of the first time, Ramou," Barry said gently. Sometimes..." There should be quotation marks in front of Sometimes.
2) Not at all," Horace said. "In the theater, the term 'blocking'..." There should have been quotation marks in front of Not.
Also, the term "blocking" is explained, but presumably Ramou has been through blocking several times before this use. Maybe some sort of comment about Ramou being flustered by having a larger part would smooth this over and have the explanation make more sense?
Chap 6. "Giles St. John, the code monkey, had been dating a..." By saying "the code monkey" it seems like we are supposed to be familiar with Giles already, but we're not. As far as I can tell, he's never been mentioned previously and I searched for his name. This paragraph, combined with the fact that this chapter finds us suddenly in front of a live audience with no mention of that fact, made me feel like I had accidentally skipped a whole chapter. It's very confusing. I could have dealt with being dumped into the live show with a ghost, but now I'm also being confronted with murdered people I've never met before. I thought maybe Giles had showed up at the party at Mr. Morgan's, but nope not there. It might be a good idea to insert him into that party in some capacity -- as the tech guy Merlo and Charlie talk to or the guide for Prudence. It'd just be nice to be introduced before he's dead and haunting us.
Chap 8. Giselle. I think it's fun that Ramou find someone like himself with definite attraction from both sides, but... At the end of their bout, Ramou is ready to run off to her apartment with an implication of incipient, lustful sex. While that might seem natural, throughout the previous books Ramou has always been reluctant to have sex with anyone because of his issues with his father abandoning him. It is mentioned more than once when he is feeling desirous toward Susanne or Lacey. It just seems strange that in this case, the subject doesn't come up. While he certainly was carried away in the moment, it didn't come up at all even when the two of them had cooled off a bit. While there could be reasons for this, it just seems a bit out of character of him not to obsess over this to some extent -- even if only to castigate himself for losing track of that part himself or losing control.
Chap 10. "I decided stayed on my guard, just in case." Decided to stay?
“He did indeed,” Ogden told him, “because young folk tend to favor change—starting at the beginnings of their careers, they have little to lose, and changes in politics or business may favor them. Elector Rudders not only resists change, but actually tries to reverse it!” I said with alarm.
Did Ogden say this or did "I" say it with alarm? Or was that supposed to be divided up between two characters?
Chap 13. "Lazaro and came down off the stage with yard-wide grins," Lazaro and who came down?
Chap 14. "had done it such panace that Suzanne" Should that be "with such" and "panache"?
"Ramous howled with mock agony" Extra "s" on Ramou there.
Thank you so much! It's great to see things wrapped up. I was pretty surprised to see Valdor show up at the end and have a happy ending with Marnie. I wasn't expecting that.
Sadly, Marty seemed to get short shrift in this book. Even Larry got more stage time; Marty didn't even get any good gags in. I don't know what can be done to save him, but he just kind of faded into the background. It seemed like he and Ramou were going to end up being great friends, but I don't think he even talked to anyone this trip. I'm surprised he wasn't trying to cheer up Ramou when it seemed like Suzanne was ignoring him for so long. He also doesn't get any sort of ending. Most of the other characters, especially the young actors, have some sort of "ending;" Suzanne and Ramou have each other, Lacey is bad, Larry had gone through a nice phase and is now reverting to looking down on his inferiors, Marnie had Valdor, Barry had his dream troupe, Horace presumably had the same -- though perhaps he could think whistfully of other lost love, New York, when they determine not to go home -- Charlie has become Cholly, and so forth, but Marty gets no mention.
In the earlier books of the series, it seemed like it was easier to tell when dialog had shifted from Ramou to Horace, but took me longer in this book. I'm not sure why that is and it could just be me.
Ramou's duties as ship's second mate are not mentioned in the book. While not really important as you're trying to tie everything up, I can't help but feel that it would be nice to see that he's making progress toward advancement in that career as well, especially as they may spend the rest of their lives in space.
Nice to see the tie in to Womack and Cholly.
That's all I can think of at the moment. Once again thanks so much for writing the wrap-up book! It's awesome.