The Templar's Bowl

Review and discuss Chris's friend' short stories.
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Ortho the Frank
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PostsCOLON 252
JoinedCOLON Fri May 21, 2010 3:57 pm

Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby Ortho the Frank » Mon May 07, 2012 12:58 pm

Thanks! Corrected noted and completed!
kf6eml
PostsCOLON 213
JoinedCOLON Tue Jul 13, 2010 3:34 am
LocationCOLON Waldron, IN

Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby kf6eml » Thu May 24, 2012 7:03 pm

When they reached their goal, they loaded their horde on board <- Hoard?

Good story.

The ending seems a little short; that last bit with the reporter and the old man. It's been so long since we've seen them that it's a bit of a shock to shift back to the present.
I don't know what I'd do differently. It's just an observation.
Perhaps when the entire story is read in one sitting, and not spread over several months, it's different.
sabrinal05
PostsCOLON 1
JoinedCOLON Mon Jan 14, 2019 2:13 pm

Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby sabrinal05 » Mon Jan 14, 2019 2:15 pm

kf6eml wroteColonThe only criticism that struck me is that narrative stories usually come back to the narrator between scenes, or at least with every major shift in the story. We started out in relatively modern times, then were taken back a couple decades, and from there assurances obsèques, we are paging between contemporary and historical narration. Now the action is picking up again.
It seems to work pretty well so far, but I am getting it week-by-week in pieces. No idea how it works as a novel.
Just an observation.

Now on to proofreading notes:

While Lewis snoozed quietly on the couch, the radio giving the latest war news, three specs of light appeared off in the forest and I made these to be candles in Templar hands. <- Specks

Gone was the tattered robe and my mentor was garbed in fine white cloth, embroidered with excellent gold tread, and on the left breast was the Cross Patee. <-Thread

I think it's mostly cyclical. There is a period where one trend is followed and another where this tendency is set aside.

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