The Boozy Banshee of Brannock-A-Bend

Review and discuss Chris's friend' short stories.
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Ortho the Frank
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The Boozy Banshee of Brannock-A-Bend

Postby Ortho the Frank » Tue Sep 04, 2012 7:11 pm

Critiques? Comments? Suggestions? Put them here!
kf6eml
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Re: The Boozy Banshee of Brannock-A-Bend

Postby kf6eml » Sat Oct 27, 2012 11:54 pm

I'm liking this story. Be interesting to see where it goes.
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Re: The Boozy Banshee of Brannock-A-Bend

Postby kf6eml » Sun Jan 13, 2013 4:07 pm

Too much time on my hands this morning, so you get it with both barrels ;)

From Ch 12

Split infinitive:

The initial evaluation of what was to eventually be Mad Dash Irish Whiskey

Suggestion:

The initial evaluation of what would eventually be known [far and wide?] as Mad Dash Irish Whiskey

This sentence clashed:

Even though Mad Dash was nearly twice as much as Paterson’s whiskey, it sold almost as much.

Suggestion:

Even though Mad Dash cost nearly twice as much as Paterson’s whiskey, it sold almost as well.

Typo:

The good Sister didn’t take well to having the resident dead drunk throw her own words back at here.

The end of this paragraph seems discordant:

Back at the house, a conference was called. It was decided that the Widder, Fitzy, and Father Sean would make the rounds of the pubs in town and the near-by communities and get samples of the competition’s entries. Sister Maria offered to help, but Pegleg pointed out that there wasn’t a bar-keep for ten miles around that would even think about giving her a taste, what with “her bein’ a known booze hound and all.” The good Sister didn’t take well to having the resident dead drunk throw her own words back at here. But facts being facts, she had to agree. And this was a job needing to be done, so she’d spend time cleaning in the Inn.

It shifts rather abruptly from being about getting booze to cleaning the inn, which seems like something of a non-sequitur. Recommend inserting a phrase about someone else doing the job, and her staying behind to do the equally important job of keeping (or making) the place clean.

(Next, a technical quibble: "Datum" is singular. "Data" is plural. This can be ignored because 99% of people either don't know or don't care. I just had to say it because in two places, your cases don't match. Some of my co-workers say that I have CDO... Which is like OCD, but with the letters in alphabetical order AS THEY SHOULD BE!)

Possible error
good at sending flowers back-marked “address unknown,”

Is the hyphen intentional? Seems unnecessary. If it is, a comma seems somewhat more natural.

Clause ended with a preposition:

Kelly also showed her where the book was that O’Malley had found the “pub” statute in

And a sentence:

It was more than Fitz-Ryan could have hoped for.

Typo:

“I tell ta, Foder Sean, d’divel left d’church in tears, ’e was laughin’ so hard.

That's all I got.
All in all, I love this story. I hope the ending lives up to what has already been written.
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Re: The Boozy Banshee of Brannock-A-Bend

Postby kf6eml » Sun Jan 13, 2013 4:35 pm

Ch 13

Dangling participle:

He impressed his coach so much that he called a contact at his Alma Matre, Notre Dame.

I must say that I'm impressed. You have several story threads intertwining here, and none of them is overpowering the others. You make good character development seem effortless, and they are becoming distinct - a lot of times, a book with a lot of characters seems to be a play with cardboard space-filling people who try to make a story seem more of an epic than it really is, and very few authors can hack that: turning the cardboard into real people.

I would like to see a bit more with the Widder, though somehow I sense that coming... It just seems that what has to come later might be more effective if we get to know her a little better before the climax.

We also see very little of the bad guys. You're doing a pretty good job of demonizing them in absentia, but it's hard to work up a good outrage by hearsay. A few scenes with them plotting, maybe spying on our heroes and getting close, just to heighten the tension and cement the "bad-guy" label... But that would take it from light reading to all-out drama. If that's not where you want to go, I can see that, too.

Anyway, off to work. If this post seems sloppy or disjointed, chalk it up to haste.

Keep up the great work!
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Ortho the Frank
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Re: The Boozy Banshee of Brannock-A-Bend

Postby Ortho the Frank » Mon Jan 14, 2013 2:01 pm

Well, Pete? Should I make these changes to the online versions?
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Re: The Boozy Banshee of Brannock-A-Bend

Postby cosmosc » Tue Jan 15, 2013 5:12 pm

Hi Ortho, Hi km6,
Sorry I haven't responded lately. I've been a little queasy. Go ahead and make repairs as needed, O and don't stop correcting me km6, I need all the help I can get. Bar keep! Another round here!
cosmosc
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Re: The Boozy Banshee of Brannock-A-Bend

Postby kf6eml » Sun Feb 24, 2013 7:36 am

Been so long since I've read anything, much less commented!

So here goes:

This sentence needs work...

Beau had essentially brought in the two-thirds of the corn crop old man Murphy’s horse had left by himself to the cheers of the patrons of McNally’s bar

There's a dangling participle in there; I had to read it twice to be sure what I'd just read.


Typo

But Calhoun and O’Neil found it a pleasant interlude and a welcom memory of home and youth in the South.

That's all I saw. I admit that I was enjoying the story and not really looking for problems.
kf6eml
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Re: The Boozy Banshee of Brannock-A-Bend

Postby kf6eml » Wed Apr 03, 2013 1:59 am

Only one typo I could find:

Not sure what to do with the following.

By ten in the morning the tourists, half sporting pretty good hangovers and the other half still smashed, would been launched on a massive banshee hunt.

Always good to have a happy ending. Great story, and well told.

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