Too much time on my hands this morning, so you get it with both barrels
From Ch 12
The initial evaluation of what was to eventually be Mad Dash Irish Whiskey
The initial evaluation of what would eventually be known [far and wide?] as Mad Dash Irish Whiskey
This sentence clashed:
Even though Mad Dash was nearly twice as much as Paterson’s whiskey, it sold almost as much.
Even though Mad Dash cost
nearly twice as much as Paterson’s whiskey, it sold almost as well
The good Sister didn’t take well to having the resident dead drunk throw her own words back at here
The end of this paragraph seems discordant:
Back at the house, a conference was called. It was decided that the Widder, Fitzy, and Father Sean would make the rounds of the pubs in town and the near-by communities and get samples of the competition’s entries. Sister Maria offered to help, but Pegleg pointed out that there wasn’t a bar-keep for ten miles around that would even think about giving her a taste, what with “her bein’ a known booze hound and all.” The good Sister didn’t take well to having the resident dead drunk throw her own words back at here. But facts being facts, she had to agree. And this was a job needing to be done, so she’d spend time cleaning in the Inn.
It shifts rather abruptly from being about getting booze to cleaning the inn, which seems like something of a non-sequitur. Recommend inserting a phrase about someone else doing the job, and her staying behind to do the equally important job of keeping (or making) the place clean.
(Next, a technical quibble: "Datum" is singular. "Data" is plural. This can be ignored because 99% of people either don't know or don't care. I just had to say it because in two places, your cases don't match. Some of my co-workers say that I have CDO... Which is like OCD, but with the letters in alphabetical order AS THEY SHOULD BE!)
good at sending flowers back-marked “address unknown,”
Is the hyphen intentional? Seems unnecessary. If it is, a comma seems somewhat more natural.
Clause ended with a preposition:
Kelly also showed her where the book was that O’Malley had found the “pub” statute in
And a sentence:
It was more than Fitz-Ryan could have hoped for.
“I tell ta, Foder Sean, d’divel left d’church in tears, ’e was laughin’ so hard.
That's all I got.
All in all, I love this story. I hope the ending lives up to what has already been written.