The Templar's Bowl

Review and discuss Chris's friend' short stories.
User avatar
Ortho the Frank
Site Admin
PostsCOLON 252
JoinedCOLON Fri May 21, 2010 3:57 pm

The Templar's Bowl

Postby Ortho the Frank » Tue Sep 20, 2011 2:50 pm

Critiques? Comments? Suggestions? Put them here!
kf6eml
PostsCOLON 213
JoinedCOLON Tue Jul 13, 2010 3:34 am
LocationCOLON Waldron, IN

Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby kf6eml » Wed Oct 26, 2011 5:26 pm

I'm liking this story. Very interesting!
kf6eml
PostsCOLON 213
JoinedCOLON Tue Jul 13, 2010 3:34 am
LocationCOLON Waldron, IN

Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby kf6eml » Fri Nov 11, 2011 8:21 am

Just read part 4.

Good continuation. Looking forward to part 5.

A few proof-reading notes:

...see them waiving shovels and ropes. <-should be "waving"

...knelt in nakedness before the alter in the church... <-should be "altar"

I watched a feint smile cross his lips. <-should be "faint"

Other than that, pretty good!
User avatar
Ortho the Frank
Site Admin
PostsCOLON 252
JoinedCOLON Fri May 21, 2010 3:57 pm

Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby Ortho the Frank » Fri Nov 11, 2011 6:03 pm

Thanks for the heads-up. I've corrected the errors.
kf6eml
PostsCOLON 213
JoinedCOLON Tue Jul 13, 2010 3:34 am
LocationCOLON Waldron, IN

Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby kf6eml » Fri Nov 11, 2011 7:59 pm

Just finished part 5.

I like the way the characters are getting their own depth through their own words. Splitting chapters between narrative and autobiography is something I don't see very often. It's interesting.

Now to the critique:

While the story he told tells us a bit about his history, it feels incomplete. It starts off with math, and then almost immediately goes into the same history that is presented previously; that of the Order.
It would be nice if the characters would keep returning to the subject that was set up in the narrative. How the math and sciences education helped Theobor in his work for the Templars, or some things he accomplished using it, and so on. Starting on the subject and then letting it trail off into oblivion gives a sense of disorganization.

Now on to the proofreading:

I realize this is supposed to be a quoted document, but it seems from the writing - the style and the organization etc - that the writer was well educated. I understand that spelling was more a matter of taste than of rule, back in that day, but when we write about them from our perspective, we should take care either to make the point of erratic spelling by using it frequently, or avoid the point, and be sure that it is written by modern rules, even if the language itself seems archaic.
I offer these observations in that spirit, and not as criticism.

"I had traveled with Molay to conference with His Holiness Pope Clement V in 1305 Anno Dominae, to marry what few remaining Templars were left after the fall of Palestine to our chief rivals, the Teutonic Hospitalers of Saint John." <-It is unlikely that a knight from the 1300s would misspell "anno domini" ;)

...no formal charge was made by Holy Mother Church who, as Pilot had done, washed her hands of the matter... <- Should be "Pilate"

Many, still in the Holy Lands, sought our Muslims friends... <- should probably be "muslim" if it is used as an adjective.

By the darkness of night, we were gather by one of our ships in secrecy and sailed towards Scotland. <- I'm guessing past tense, "gathered"

the Bruce fought his war against Edward, who is called Long shanks, and his England. <- dangling participle there. Not necessary to fix, since it's a quote, but it interrupted the smooth flow of the narrative for me. I know most people wouldn't catch it, but it made me stumble, mentally. (I used to play games just like this with a retired English teacher I used to know. Oh, the triumphant feeling when she'd blink and shake her head!)

“May they that hold the Graal so sacred, wander the earth forever and carry its watch till the crack of doom.” <- Alternate spelling of "Grail?"
kf6eml
PostsCOLON 213
JoinedCOLON Tue Jul 13, 2010 3:34 am
LocationCOLON Waldron, IN

Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby kf6eml » Sun Nov 13, 2011 5:06 pm

The only criticism that struck me is that narrative stories usually come back to the narrator between scenes, or at least with every major shift in the story. We started out in relatively modern times, then were taken back a couple decades, and from there, we are paging between contemporary and historical narration. Now the action is picking up again.
It seems to work pretty well so far, but I am getting it week-by-week in pieces. No idea how it works as a novel.
Just an observation.

Now on to proofreading notes:

While Lewis snoozed quietly on the couch, the radio giving the latest war news, three specs of light appeared off in the forest and I made these to be candles in Templar hands. <- Specks

Gone was the tattered robe and my mentor was garbed in fine white cloth, embroidered with excellent gold tread, and on the left breast was the Cross Patee. <-Thread
User avatar
Ortho the Frank
Site Admin
PostsCOLON 252
JoinedCOLON Fri May 21, 2010 3:57 pm

Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby Ortho the Frank » Tue Nov 15, 2011 8:02 pm

Corrections made. It took me a couple of days, but I did get to it eventually. Pete and I both proofread these stories, but a handful of mistakes always seem to slip past us. Thanks once again for all your help! :D
cosmosc
PostsCOLON 10
JoinedCOLON Fri Aug 27, 2010 10:50 pm

Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby cosmosc » Tue Nov 22, 2011 11:20 pm

Hi KF,
sorry I haven't been able to get back to you but I've been under the weather as of late. The hero, Richard, is telling the story- it's his! He is in the flow of time, and he moves in and out, never really certain of where or when he is. I hope I'm keeping you off-balance, not confusing you!
I go to dialysis twice a week. It takes several days sometimes for me to clear my head. I know Ortho has been besieged by dragons and dwarfs, and I really have to say I'm sorry my work is messy when he gets it. So K, you go ahead and proof me and Ed, go ahead and fix it. I owe you both.
Pete
kf6eml
PostsCOLON 213
JoinedCOLON Tue Jul 13, 2010 3:34 am
LocationCOLON Waldron, IN

Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby kf6eml » Thu Nov 24, 2011 8:33 am

Hey. Your messy work is better than the no work at all that I'm turning out.

I understand what's going on, and perhaps it would seem different when read as a novel. As a piece that's posted in chapters week-by-week, it loses the feel of a narrated backstory, and gains more the feel of a novel, if you catch the distinction.
As I said, perhaps it will feel different when it's compiled into book form.

I'm not off-balance. This story is just more like hiking a scenic trail than walking on a paved sidewalk. Good exercise, and some nice curves, which can give the hope of something new just around the bend. Sure, the footing can get uneven, and even muddy, but that's all part of the fun!
kf6eml
PostsCOLON 213
JoinedCOLON Tue Jul 13, 2010 3:34 am
LocationCOLON Waldron, IN

Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby kf6eml » Sun Nov 27, 2011 6:39 am

The story was pretty good, this week. No criticisms on style and substance this time.

This week's proofreading notes:

The blade slipped only inches past the seam where my neck rested on my shoulder, and as it past I followed the blade’s motion with my own blade. <- Passed

It seems to fly off over the crush of humanity swirling about me like a perverse bird in flight. <- Shifting tenses here. All the surrounding sentences aer past tense. This one is present.

I surely had grown use to the armor. <-used

as I was released I crumpled to the ground, shuttering. I had never killed before. <- Shuddering

“These are Arcs of the Hebrews, but not of God’s true covenant. <- Arks

...he seemed to anchor himself with the ancient bowl until the storm inside him past. <- Passed

Return to

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: 1 and 0 guests