The Templar's Bowl

Review and discuss Chris's friend' short stories.
kf6eml
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Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby kf6eml » Sat Dec 03, 2011 6:26 pm

Very good this week. The story's drawing together, and that sense of disorganization I mentioned a couple weeks ago is being tied up neatly. Not sure where the story is going from here, but then... that's the point, isn't it? :D

No proofreading remarks this week. If there are errors, I didn't catch them.

If I had to pick at anything, it would be using words redundantly, like "gagging" in the last part of the story, and "blade" in one of the previous ones (in a sentence I posted for proofreading.) While using a word twice (or more) in a sentence can be great for emphasis or poetic atmosphere, that didn't seem to be the case in these uses.

But if that's all I could come up with to criticize, you must be doing something right ;)
kf6eml
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Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby kf6eml » Fri Dec 09, 2011 5:44 pm

Good, as usual. Makes me want to see where this story thread goes.

Only one proofreading note today:

It soon became apparent to me what had been bothering the good Friar. The room we had been escorted to was the anti-chamber adjoining the great Sultan’s harem! <- antechamber
kf6eml
PostsCOLON 213
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Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby kf6eml » Sun Dec 18, 2011 10:56 pm

A couple of proof notes today:


You need to be out of site before they get here. <- sight

“Brother Bya is seeing to loading three karves with tools and craftsman.” <- plural "craftsmen?"

Try the ch ese. We’ve been, been making it since Geofray <- cheese, probably


Otherwise, no real quibbles. The story is filling out nicely.
cosmosc
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Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby cosmosc » Tue Dec 20, 2011 11:28 am

Hey k, thanks truly for all the help. I'm really glad that you seem to be enjoying it. A happy Holiday Season to you and yours.
kf6eml
PostsCOLON 213
JoinedCOLON Tue Jul 13, 2010 3:34 am
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Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby kf6eml » Thu Feb 16, 2012 5:28 am

In #14:

Though the wind blew to our backs, giving us am advantage < an

Didn't catch anything in the previous chapters, ant that's the only thing I caught in this one.

Sorry it's taken so long to get back here.
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Ortho the Frank
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Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby Ortho the Frank » Thu Feb 16, 2012 1:30 pm

No, I apologize for the long wait between updating new content. I'll try to update the website on a more consistent schedule in the future. And as always, thanks!
kf6eml
PostsCOLON 213
JoinedCOLON Tue Jul 13, 2010 3:34 am
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Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby kf6eml » Sat Mar 31, 2012 12:14 am

Nice chapter this week. Things seem to be building toward a climax.

Notes:


Here was a man who was prepared again to die yet again for his beliefs. <- redundant "again"

Hamet looked up and waved Beaumond and I into the cave. <- "I" should be "me"

Halfway to the treasure room had been placed a small makeshift table where upon maps appeared to be spread.<- "whereupon" should be one word

... there was no honor left in battle, merely nations and ideologies... <- not sure, but maybe a semicolon here instead of a comma. Perhaps a hyphen.

It was de Flor who seemed to actually be in charge, <- split infinitive

I shifted my weight nervously upon the barrel top I rested on. <- "on" used twice, and sentence ended in preposition.

Otherwise, spelling and grammar look good.
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Ortho the Frank
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Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby Ortho the Frank » Mon Apr 02, 2012 1:07 pm

Corrections noted, changed, and updated. I try to proofread these stories before posting them, but it's amazing how much slips by me. That's for being another pair of eyes.

And feel free to comment about more than just spelling and grammar - plotting, pacing, characters, etc.

Thanks again!
kf6eml
PostsCOLON 213
JoinedCOLON Tue Jul 13, 2010 3:34 am
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Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby kf6eml » Mon Apr 02, 2012 3:11 pm

Nothing wrong with the plot, pacing or characters. The story started slow and was a bit confusing, but it has steadied out and got deeper.

Just now and then, some obvious errors such as misspellings, repeats, and omissions present themselves, and occasionally more subtle ones like contextual or stylistic oddities.

I just call attention to them. It's up to the author whether those are mistakes or intentional.
kf6eml
PostsCOLON 213
JoinedCOLON Tue Jul 13, 2010 3:34 am
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Re: The Templar's Bowl

Postby kf6eml » Mon May 07, 2012 1:57 am

This week's observations:

these insane devils killed more efficiently than any force ever know to man. <- known

We had held them at bay in Canada, but it took three centuries of Teutonic Knights, Templars, Vikings, and even an Arab Potentate to stalemate them. But this, too, had its price. <- Seems this last sentence could be more graceful, either combining it into one sentence or getting rid of or replacing the "but." Just a matter of opinion.

they had made this effort unprofitable for Heir Himmler. <- Herr Himmler

he would come to own the Grail, and it would carry he and his Nazi army < - it would carry him and his

if the Grail could be located, its power with the Spear <- Perhaps "its power, combined with that of the Spear," or at least a comma after "power" and "spear"

Otherwise, not bad this week.

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